Years ago our family took a vacation (with six children the word “vacation” is used loosely). We stopped to visit Hoover Dam, and during our tour the guide described the great pains taken to ensure the solidity and safety of the dam, but even as he spoke we could feel the moisture and see rivulets of water on the ceiling. When someone pointed that out he said, “Water finds a way.”

As I’ve thought of what would be the most important thing to focus on this year, I keep returning to the family. Just like the water at Hoover Dam, life will find a way — even in the strongest of families — to present obstacles and choices that could damage relationships. Ironically at each fork in the road — meaning each event, activity, employment and contribution — we decide whether we will ultimately strengthen or weaken our families this year.

4 things matter most
Roger and Rebecca Merrill share in their book “Life Matters” that no matter society or life’s situation, four things consistently matter most: work, family, time and money. It’s the balancing of those that are key “because life is dynamic, [so] the real issue is … creating the capacity to balance ­— day in, day out — in the unique and ever-changing circumstances of our lives.”

This year, consider strengthening your family in a way that matters most to you. For some that may mean being more selective of extracurricular activities to allow for downtime as a family, even if it’s only for a game of bonding Uno. For others, it may be creating one night a week to spend together, just the family, no interruptions (translation for teens: no texting, no headphones, no cell phones. Watch for possible fainting.) It could be choosing a new predictable ritual that children can count on such as family breakfast on Saturdays, a family-only activity each month, or a date night with each child during the course of the year.

In these economic times, there may be more serious considerations for strengthening the family such as if a husband goes back to school or if a currently working wife determines to become a full-time mother or work from home. These are very personal and often difficult decisions. Early in our marriage, my husband became seriously ill. Although I had a teaching degree, leaving my toddler son to work full-time wasn’t what we wanted for our family. As we considered options, a neighbor talked to me about medical transcription, which I could do from home. Ultimately, I was able to make more working from home — only four hours a day during my son’s sleeping hours — than I would have made teaching full time.

Decisions become more difficult when financial benefits don’t add up. According to the Merrills’ book, a “second income needs to reach $30,000 before even one dollar is contributed to spendable income in the family.”

We’re all in this together
Perhaps strengthening your family will mean increasing the contributions of each family member. According to professors Kathleen Bahr and Cheri Loveless, in previous generations children had “shared much of the hard work, laboring alongside their fathers and mothers in the house and on the farm … This work was considered good for them – part of their education for adulthood … Eventually, the relationship of children and work inside the family completely reversed itself: children went from economic asset to pampered consumer.”

Perhaps we can decide as a family what chores can be delegated to the capable children and reconsider the division of labor between spouses. In the book “Lighten Up,” Chieko Okazaki writes, “Dishes don’t care what gender you are, they just need to be done.”

Rather than a village, it takes a family to raise a family, and that means work, family, time, money and fun. Regardless of which way you and I choose to strengthen our families, as we do so, our community is strengthened and ultimately so is our nation. Perhaps water will find a way, but this year let’s ensure it’s met with caulk, sealant, and a water vac ready and waiting.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Connie Sokol is an at-home mother and president of LIFEChange, a program to enhance women’s lives. For more information, visit www.lifechangeprogram.com

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Recently I attended a master voice class, which in essence means that you stand emotionally vulnerable before three other people and attempt to make noises that resemble singing so that afterwards they can critique you.
As I approached the class, I was thinking of something more positive and joyful, like preparing my taxes. My basic concern was that my noises are more akin to, as my children call it, “the cat dying.” However, being my optimistic self, I marched in and planned to give it boldly, with a few earplugs. Then the first girl stood up and suddenly, there went my optimism. She brought the house down in that tiny room, singing in a voice that had me in tears and made me want to stand and applaud.
I could have felt intimidated and inferior. But as we went around the room, exactly the opposite happened. Their warm and thoughtful insights made me see the great possibility for my own voice, that I could sing like her but in my own way.
Leaving that room, I walked on air.
The power of being with positive people and extending positive energy creates a split-second paradigm shift and is absolutely, completely, and in all ways vital to our well-being. In fact, in the book “How Full is Your Bucket,” authors Tom Rath and Don Clifton share that speaking and living positively can ward off colds, improve coping, produce well-being and extend your life span by 10 years.
Unfortunately, in the thick of the holiday season, when we’re to be our most loving of our fellowman, we tend to be a little heavy on the car horn and light on the holly jollies. To release the stress that comes with the holiday territory, we can focus on actively choosing to see and feel the Christmas cheer no matter the mood or circumstances before us.
In her book, “You Are Your Choices,” Alexandra Stoddard shares, “We expand the scope of our awareness by being totally present to what we are thinking, feeling and observing.  Be still and receptive to your attitude. There may be a lot of upsetting things happening around us and to us. Still, we choose how we are going to control ourselves, how we are going to react.”
When we are faced with family traditions or work gatherings that are stressful or negative, we can choose to be the changer. By simply switching the conversation topic or walking away from a potentially heated situation, we show our choice for the better and allow our energy to be drawn to someone or something more positive. One group of women was commiserating about the stress of the holidays and why it always comes down to women to make it happen.
One wise elderly woman simply stated that she loved the holidays and went on to talk about what made them so special. Within minutes the topic had shifted, elevating each person’s mood and holiday views.
Alexandra continues, “By thinking thoughts that aim us in the direction of greater happiness, we will, in time, transform our inner life.  We’re able to improve ourselves, choice by choice, by our habits of thought and attitude … Our character state becomes more dependable, predictable and stable as we cultivate good energy. When we develop this essential virtue of clarity of thinking … we live well.”
Living well in this way means letting go of negativity, water cooler gossip and character shredding. If the only gift you give this year is positive speaking of others, it will be priceless.
Look at this season with new, positive eyes. As you decorate your home make it a memory rather than a chore. When you wrap a gift, think back to the receiver and what they’ve meant in your life.
In writing Christmas or holiday cards, consider writing a brief thank you for one character trait a loved one shows that is meaningful to you. Enjoy the newfound energy as you focus on feeling and expressing the positive.
That’s a gift that keeps on giving. UV

About the Author
Connie Sokol is an at-home mother and president of LIFEChange, a program to enhance women’s lives.
For more information, visit www.lifechangeprogram.com.

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Recently, I turned to my husband and seriously asked, “Do you think our son’s big ears will hurt his success in business?”
My son’s ears, I should explain, are the same ears of his siblings, his mother and his grandmother — they are large. My husband stared at me for a moment with his “who are you and what have you done with my wife” look and said, “Absolutely not.”
He then shared a few bits of common sense found in men raised on a 90-acre farm, and I felt at peace.
Upon reflection I did realize the ridiculousness of my question (which you realized three sentences ago). In fact, I was shocked that I had even thought it. It has made me rethink the subtle influence of society’s obsession with perfection in my very own life. This obsession isn’t just prevalent, it’s embedded in all that we see, hear and experience.
In daily life we can feel cheated if we don’t have the best car, the nicest home or the newest version of the latest gadgets. This is despite research showing that those considered at poverty level today have many of the same conveniences the middle class had 30 years ago.
Add to that the new trend that there is something fundamentally wrong with looking like we have had children or that we’ve really lived at all.
In Jeffrey R. Holland’s book “Modesty, Makeovers and the Pursuit of Physical Beauty,” he quotes actress Halle Berry as saying, “We’ve become obsessed with beauty and the fountain of youth … I’m really saddened by the way women mutilate [themselves] in search of that. I see women [including young women] … pulling this up and tucking that back. It’s like a slippery slope. [You can’t get off of it.] … It’s really insane … what society is doing to women.”
Now this column is not a boycott on all plastic surgery.
I’m so grateful for the skills that help car accident victims regain a normal life and help children with cleft palates eat well for the first time in their lives. But I do have to ask myself, when did having a few laugh lines or a tummy fold become akin to leprosy? When did looking like a mother become taboo?
I was at a dancing activity with my third grader last year when he looked at the teeny blonde next to me and then said, “Mom, you’re fat but I love you.”
He lost his allowance for the next 10 years.
I felt the need to firmly tell him, like a member of some kind of AA meeting, “I have wrinkles, post-baby fat, and I am 42 years old. I have lived a full and juicy life, and I’m not ashamed to look it.”
It seems this thread of perfection starts weaving earlier and stronger. I read an article by another celebrity who, as a teenage girl, asked her mother if she was pretty. Her mother looked up from the mirror and said, “You will be after you have a nose job.”
I contrast that with my tearful discussion as a young teenager with my own mother about the same dreaded ears as my son. I had tried various ear shrinking methods that didn’t work — such as gum behind my ears and tying my ears to my head. So I asked for an operation. Thankfully, my mother said no because big ears were a part of who I was and that I was beautiful.
The subtle effects of this sort of Brave New World perfect can be serious. I received the following e-mail from a reader: “I was five months pregnant with my first child and waiting for an amniocentesis. I questioned the nurse why I needed this procedure. Her response was, “If we find anything wrong you have the choice to abort.”
I sat there and cried — not for my baby, but for me. For the first time in my life I realized that I didn’t have to be perfect for someone to really truly love me! I didn’t care if this baby wasn’t PERFECT, I wanted her and nothing was going to change that. I finally realized how God feels about us. I grew up with a father who didn’t allow his love to be given unless you were perfect … I had been thinking of my imperfect life [lately] and feeling that if it were perfect, things would be better. They are better! Life is GREAT!”
Life is great. We can breathe, live, love and be grateful for what is, even if that includes big ears.

About the Author
Connie Sokol is an at-home mother and president of LIFEChange, a program to enhance women’s lives.
For more information, visit www.lifechangeprogram.com.

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Recently I’ve had a few of those Woman/Mother Rites of Passage experiences of officially letting go in order to fly.
Most significantly, I’ve had to let my son go.
The opportunity came for this 15-year-old son, who has Asperger’s Syndrome (a high-functioning autism), to attend a week-long Especially for Youth (an LDS youth camp). My husband and I had confidently engaged in our parental assessment. “You know, we’ve taught him. He knows what to do” … “You’re right, he has the tools, now he just needs life experiences to practice.”
But the pre-game euphoria is quickly dismissed by the stark game-day reality when you take him to the conference: i.e., he forgets his shoes so you run to a nearby store, with all five children in tow, only to run back and find him completely missing and search for 45 minutes but don’t have that kind of time because all said children have vital dental appointments that simply cannot be put off any longer without their teeth falling into their pork chops.
Though all worked out well, my stomach began to churn at what may await him for the week. In a moment’s flash, I realized I had to let go. Worrying about him was not only unfruitful, it would only multiply. So I left him with a few key instructions: “Stay focused, ask your roommate some real life questions, and don’t call home more than once a day.” About six hours later, guess who was waiting by the phone? Certainly not him. On Tuesday night he called, talking covertly on the phone: “Mom, we had to go to a DANCE and I had to escort a GIRL.” Rather than actually dance with said girl, or any girl, he chose to walk around the building for the remaining 2 ½ hours.  Attempting to keep a casual tone, I invited him before the week was out to actually ask a girl to dance.
Friday night he called to say that not only did he escort a girl to the dance, but that he danced with her, AND that he performed dance moves in front of a circle of about 30 people, moves I had no idea he knew (The Worm?). He was King of the Night, that was of course until his pants ripped in a particular area and he became aware of it only when a girl screamed. He made a hasty exit but reveled in the memory of the evening.
Though the week was a good experience for him, it was particularly influential for me as I began to more clearly see my other children and let go a little more.  I discovered daily there were too many areas I was overcrowding and not allowing them to fly. One morning I was in the midst of housework when my littlest one, who was potty training, needed to do her thing. In that same flash I asked my 8-year-old daughter to take her. Not only did my little one do magic for her IMMEDIATELY, but my older daughter gave her the sticker and a hug, just like mom. All week, from cleaning to each child taking a turn daily making lunch, I allowed my children to do for themselves and for others.
Which, lastly, helped me to let go of some things in my own life. I realized in particular areas I needed to leave the comfort of a canoe and embrace sailing the open sea. For me, that required letting go of personal fears and expectations that no longer applied. As Maria Shriver says beautifully in “Just Who Will You Be?” — “I’ve learned it’s OK to change. Sometimes it’s not just OK, but mandatory. You can let go of some beliefs that maybe have served you well along the way, but just don’t work for you anymore. We’re supposed to grow and evolve. We have to give ourselves permission and freedom to stay open to change. I’m not talking about running away or having plastic surgery … (or) throwing away our core principles and values and morals … I’m talking about letting life’s experiences affect and mature you.”
Even if that experience is only the simple success of asking someone to dance or to appropriately delegate potty training, letting go is the only way we can truly fly.

About the Author
Connie Sokol is an at-home mother and president of LIFEChange, a program to enhance women’s lives.
For more information, visit www.lifechangeprogram.com.

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Years ago when I felt completely overwhelmed by life (which would be repeated in subsequent years), I learned two amazing and life-changing concepts. I decided to create great change in my life by focusing on just one area, which happened to be getting in shape. As I visualized my ideal, targeted my best energy to working out daily and eating what was good and building for my body, I lost weight and felt great.
But that wasn’t the most amazing thing I learned.
During those months of focusing on physical change, I increased my spiritual well, pulled out of our family business, was more present with my children, began public speaking a little to women and families, wrote for a local newspaper, spent more quality time connecting with my husband, and renewed friendships. To balance the new schedule I became more organized in my paper work and time mapping. My cooking interest was rekindled to meet the demand for healthy but timely eating options, and I found myself even laughing more.
The first amazing and life-changing thing I learned was this — The Domino Effect. I have seen it over and over as we coach women in their desired goals. When a woman is ripe for change, puts her best energy on one area, and sees it through to completion, she will not only achieve that goal but several other goals that weren’t even written down.
The reason for this is the second amazing and life-changing thing I learned. Core Behaviors are the one or two behaviors that, when fully completed, click all the other related behaviors into a new pattern, like falling dominoes. Whether it’s getting to bed by a certain time or learning to see the good in each situation, Core Behaviors become the catalyst for a life-changing experience. When this happens, it will inevitably lead to the Domino Effect, a whole slew of personal changes. Because of pursuing and fully achieving my one physical goal (with a focus on whole health and well-being), I achieved goals in other areas such as spiritual, emotional, relational, organizational and pursuing a passion.
In the book “The Influencer,” authors Patterson, Grenny, Maxfield, McMillan and Switzler share the following:
“And now for the big idea: A few behaviors can drive a lot of change … [look] carefully for the vital behaviors that create a cascade of chance. No matter the size of the problem … enormous influence comes from focusing on just a few vital behaviors.”
Determine which Core Behavior in your life would leverage many new changes. Dr. Phil has mentioned that simply entering his home by a different path (i.e. not through the kitchen) helped him lose weight by not seeing the donuts sitting on the counter. One woman created change by acknowledging and reversing negative self-talk. A friend of mine lost seven pounds by simply not eating at night. I’ve increased my time efficiency by following a one-word adage – straitway – so when I avoid doing something unpleasant (i.e. taxes) I see the phrase and get to it.
What is one Core Behavior that might drive your Domino Effect this year? Heather Richey found her Core Behaviors through a series of coaching sessions. First, she chose to create a blueprint of her ideal life using her values to guide her goals. Fresh from that success, she moved to the Get Organized session where she learned and applied a simple organizational formula. Using these Core Behaviors (utilizing her life vision and implementing a simple organization formula), she was able to enter and win Miss Global America, move forward a non-profit group to help children be safe from abuse, and keep her home running smoothly in the process.
This month, choose one Core Behavior that you want to make a lifestyle. Focus fully on putting it into practice and experience the Domino Effect in action.

Connie Sokol is an at-home mother and president of LIFEChange, a program to enhance women’s lives.
For more information, visit www.lifechangeprogram.com.

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Serving as a missionary for the LDS Church in Tokyo many years ago, I attended a conference where President Gordon B. Hinckley, recently passed president of the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and his wife had come to speak. After the meeting, all the missionaries filed through to shake their hands. As I approached President Hinckley, I looked into his eyes — clear, warm and fully comprehending. I then shook Sister Marjorie Pay Hinckley’s hand. As I did, I was filled with such a feeling of love that tears came. At the same time, she teared and said to the effect, “Thank you for all you missionaries do.” We spontaneously embraced.
I’ve never been much of an I-know-who person or I-have-a-signed-napkin-from-so-and-so. This was something very different. Just having the opportunity to feel of the love and warmth of these two amazing, humble and loving people was something I will always cherish. Being around them and watching how they lived their lives inspired not only me but millions to change.
The many principles and practices that President Hinckley has spoken on have changed my life for good. Some things have been light, and have helped me to lighten up especially at times when I might have been unduly hard on myself or others. I remember Sheri Dew, CEO of Deseret Book, sharing in a talk CD that she had told President Hinckley of a decision she had made. I’m paraphrasing here, but she felt she had waited too long to make the decision and said to him, “President Hinckley, I just wish I was smarter.” To which he responded, “I wish you were smarter, too.” His quick humor helped me remember not to take myself too seriously and remember that doing my best was the most important thing.
His teachings on family life have been a compass during difficult decisions. This is one of the main reasons that all LIFEChange coaches and staff are only part-time, so that we can focus first on our families and still do something to help others.
His emphasis on the sanctity of motherhood showed me how it will affect not only my family’s lives but the lives of others. It has helped me feel the dignity and value in what I do everyday in raising my children. In his passing, as I considered what I might do to live more fully and to help others, the thought came, “You are a mother.”
The practice of being more kind and tolerant of others’ convictions (which President Hinckley taught by word and example) has helped me more confidently find connecting similarities within other faiths. A dear friend with whom I hadn’t conversed in several years, who is of another faith, shared with me a terrible accident her family had suffered because she had fallen asleep at the wheel. Through our shared beliefs of common doctrines we were able to feel comfort and understanding, which strengthened our friendship in a new way.
President Hinckley’s ability to be real and genuine, even with the pressure of being a prophet, has given me courage to be my real self, especially when I would rather be impressive. A few years ago, as a radio host for KSL/Bonneville, I was attempting to be and look professional. One day I unintentionally showed up with two different shoes on. The confidence came to share that embarrassing moment with the listeners, with wonderfully connecting results!
Living with integrity, President Hinckley’s example has stirred me to do my best in that area also, even when it means doing the difficult thing. Just the other day I had to tell my husband that I was the one who had unsuspectingly backed the car into a rock.
It’s these small and simple, yet far-reaching principles and practices that give me pause to thank President Hinckley for his example, his life-long living of solid principles and practices, and the change it has caused in my life for good.

Connie Sokol is an at-home mother and president of LIFEChange, a program to enhance women’s lives. For more information, visit www.lifechangeprogram.com.

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Years ago I took a college Japanese class. On our first day we received the textbook that displayed the inspiring title “Japanese Made Possible.”
It wasn’t made simple, just possible.
Though the only thing I retained from the language class was counting to 10, ironically I did later serve an LDS Church mission to Tokyo, Japan. During the first few weeks of training in the language, I was able to speak fluent Japanese conversations. Unfortunately, this was only in my sleep (as my missionary companions would, in exasperation, tell me). Although it eventually transferred to daytime, the point here is that perseverance, change of attitude and ultimately faith were pivotal to my language success.
Napoleon Hill, author of the landmark “Think and Grow Rich,” stated, “Faith is the element, the ‘chemical’ which, when mixed with prayer, gives one direct communication with Infinite Intelligence.” Faith is indeed, the beginning of everything. When we focus our thoughts, efforts and energy on the positive in our lives now and what we want for the future, life-changing paradigms begin.
For several years I envisioned a LIFECoach training conference and program. At one point I had a good feeling about doing it, but my knee-jerk reaction was, “There is NO possible way I have time or energy to do that and still put family first.”
However, the feeling persisted.
Instead of wasting energy on feeling overwhelmed, I focused on the possible things that could be controlled. After outlining the ideal, I applied a ludicrously limited amount of time and energy on key areas, and prayed for the rest to be filled. Repeatedly thoughts and ideas came about how to be efficient, find skilled and caring people, and still focus first on my family. The result was an amazing conference and program with inspiring women of exceptional ability and compassion.
Perhaps you’re reading this and thinking the dreaded, “Yeah, but.” Those yeah-buts will keep you running in tight, anxiety-filled circles your whole life. It takes courage to see beyond, to have faith in something more. There is risk, or at least that’s what we see. What we truly risk is staying in the same old stuck place.
A while back I had lunch with Tanya Harmon. Through her countenance and conversation, it was clear she was frustrated, like many women, with some aspects of her life that were yet unrealized. The discouragement was clouding her daily ability to feel joy.
I encouraged her to let go of the negative and instead open up her thoughts and ideas to what her ideal life could be like. I invited her to put energy toward what might be and begin focusing efforts on the specifics of that ideal life. Within the hour her countenance began to change, and within a few days I received an e-mail that affirmed the same. Within a few weeks I met her again and was thrilled to see the bounce and actual life changes made in her personal and professional life as she shifted from perceived deadends to joyful possibilities. This all began from seeing possibilities with an eye of faith.
To change requires our efforts to get the ball rolling. Instead of wasting energy thinking of what you can’t achieve, try visualizing a day in your “ideal life.” Lay down in a comfortable spot, and for five minutes focus on details of what you’re doing, saying, feeling, experiencing, etc.
Involve prayer, in whatever way is meaningful to you, to invite the spiritual help you will need. Then list one vital thing you can do this month to move forward in that ideal life.
Whether it’s a happier relationship, secure finances, or personal improvement, you can experience a change when you funnel the possibilities.
If life isn’t what you thought it would be, look through the lens of what could be. Then get up and do.
As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “The whole course of things goes to teach us faith. We need only obey. There is guidance for each of us, and by lowly listening, we shall hear the right word.”

Connie Sokol is an at-home mother and president of LIFEChange, a program to enhance women’s lives. For more information, visit www.lifechangeprogram.com.

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